Slo-Jo: Don't Bring Me Down

Distance: 0 miles

Extra sleep: 3 hours

Gl. wine: 3

Pieces of cheesecake: 2 (seriously. have cheesecake addiction.)

I did not run today, despite my best intentions. In fact, I had to drive my dogs to Tucson today so that my parents can dog-sit while I’m on a trip next week, and I arranged the drop-off time such that I could get a run in beforehand. I left Big Daddy’s birthday happy hour (as described in Toe-Shoes Tina’s post) early so that I could turn in at a reasonable time. And what happened?

Okay, so I slept in. Since I cannot actually describe running, I will describe some conversations I’ve been having about running. The typical one goes like this:

SJ: Yeah, I’ve been running a lot. A friend and I are running a marathon in February.

Well-Meaning Friend: Seriously? A whole marathon?

SJ: Yeah! Training has been going well so far.

WMF: Gosh. (pause) I’m surprised your joints are holding up. Running is so bad for your knees.

WMF #2: I knew someone who ran a marathon and had to have a hip replacement afterward.

[Note how much longer afterward is not disclosed. Was the marathon 30 years ago? Is your friend 90?]

WMF #3: I heard that your heart only has a certain number of beats in it in your lifetime and by running, you are basically speeding toward your death.

[This reminds me of an uplifting article I read once called, "The Road to Cancer." The theory was we all get it if the road is long enough; some of us just exit early. I read this with some fascination when I was 25 and never forgot it. I'm a lot of fun at parties.]

WMF #4 mentioned how the first marathon ended with the death of the guy who ran it. He explained that Pheidippides, a Greek messenger, ran from the battlefield of Marathon to Athens to announce that the Persians had been defeated in the Battle of Marathon. Wikipedia says, “It is said that he ran the entire distance without stopping and burst into the assembly, exclaiming ‘νενικηκαμεν’, (‘We wοn’), before collapsing and dying.”

WMF #4 left out the Greek but definitely hit the collapsing and dying talking points.

Nobody ever tells me, gee, that second piece of cheesecake is clogging your arteries and making you fat and obesity is a really serious health risk. No, no, it is by running that I am apparently ruining my joints, will require surgery, and am shortening my life.

What’s with the naysayers? I have some theories. And this blog, except for the Wikipedia quote above, is devoid of web research. This is all The World According to Slo-Jo.

1. My friends like to tease me so they think it is funny to point out the parade of horribles that accompanies exercise, rather than cheering me on. Okay, that’s fine. Point out away.

2. People are justifying their own level of activity. We normalize our own behaviors and otherize the folks who put in the time and effort to succeed at these events. I like hearing people say, sure, Michael Phelps is a terrific swimmer, but he spends a LOT of time in the pool; you can’t expect him to be interesting to talk to. The subtext is, "I do not spend all that time working out and swim like Michael Phelps, but I am a genius at the art of conversation." Well, so are lots of people. Let’s see your gold medal in wittiness.

3. People are suspicious of extreme athletic endeavors, and the measure of extreme varies from person to person. Some people might pooh-pooh a 5K as too hard, while my friends the ultra-marathoner or Ironman-in-training are just getting warmed up at a marathon. It seems incomprehensible that people accomplish these things. Like the person who did 366 marathons in 365 days. Doesn’t that seem a little cray-cray? It does. I think there’s a tension between wanting to celebrate others’ athletic accomplishment and thinking some people might want to take it down a notch.

(Someone who would probably be a little less crazy if he did some training runs. Just a theory.)

Anyway, I’m pretty sure my friends all fell into Category One—they were teasing me. I don’t need everyone to tell me I’m awesome all the time, although if you must, I won’t tell you to stop. Teasing is fine, because my joints are well oiled machines. My heart? Way better than Pheidippides’s heart—he probably had a poor diet. And as Ellen Degeneres said, “I let my haters be my motivators.” (My WMFs are not haters, but I do love me some Ellen, so let's finish with that quote.) Cheers and happy running!