Slo Jo: The Bug Report

Distance: 3.5 miles

Temp: 88

Mosquito bites: 10

Today was the day to get back on track after the New Orleans trip. As predicted, I did not run in New Orleans. Instead, I ate char-grilled oysters. I ate raw oysters. I tried fried oysters in a po' boy (my friend L commented, “That seems healthy.”). I ate part of a pork belly po' boy but didn’t like it, so ate half of L’s beef po' boy. I ate crab omelettes and crawfish etouffee and gumbo and sausages. I ate beignets and smothered catfish and red shrimp and sweet potato fries.

But I did not eat grits. The waitress would not give us grits. She informed us that non-Southerners (she didn’t say Yankees, but I inferred it) do not know how to eat grits and tend to ruin them with sugar or treat them like Cream of Wheat. She conceded that we could have hash browns.

I also did not run before our swamp tour, where we got to ride on air boats and see non-PETA-approved handling of alligators by our tour guides. The guides throw marshmallows into the water, and the gators come eat them. There is something charming about a gator swimming over to get his marshmallow. One of the guides jumped in the water with the gators, which seemed ill-advised. He was probably just trying to get away from the love bugs that were swarming us.

(According to Wikipedia, during and after mating, love bugs remain coupled, even in flight, for several days. This is a sweeter story when they are not remaining coupled while flying into your eye.)

But I digress. I’m sure you would rather hear about the 3.5-mile, sweaty run around the neighborhood I made myself do this morning. I did another tempo run, where I ran the first mile slow, then the second and third mile at a faster pace, then was supposed to run another mile slow instead of being a total slacker and taking the shorter route home for a half-mile distance.

First mile: Slow. Easy. BPM around 135. Ran into a neighbor; chatted with her. Stopped a lot for school traffic. No problemo.

Second mile: Fast. Blazing speeds. Felt pretty good. BPM around 165. Reminded myself what my friend G, an ultrarunner, said once: “You won’t run faster until you run faster.” Got it, G. I’m running faster. Flying, in fact.

Third mile: IS THERE ANY WATER AROUND HERE?

It got a little hot. Plus, my legs were on fire. I was wondering if I was getting bitten or if these were residual mosquito bites from New Orleans. We went on a voodoo tour, which consisted largely of us standing outside of shuttered-up homes, where someone voodoo-related may have lived, for long periods of time waving fans, or paddles, that the tour people gave us so we did not expire from the humid, still air. The tour was very respectful of voodoo's religious status and was sadly lacking in tips on making your own doll or the best way to dispatch a zombie. (There may also have been an incident where a stranger got whacked in the butt by my voodoo tour paddle, but that was an accident; I thought she was somebody else.) Anyway, standing outside the houses, I got ravaged by mosquitos. I’m one of those people they like. Even people who claim they usually get bit will only get one or two bites when I am around. Case in point: after a particularly buggy house-front, I asked others on our tour: “Are you getting bitten?” Their response: “Huh? No.” Having me around is better than wearing Off. But again, I digress.

(At Marie Laveau's house, you are not allowed to take pictures for various reasons. At the voodoo museum, they do not care. So here is your handy guide to voodoo dolls, in case you have a need.)

Fourth mileLast half mile: Screw it, I’m done. I’m not proud. Sometimes you just go, it is too hot and my legs itch and I really could stand a glass of water around now.

I counted ten welts when I got home. Turns out mosquitos can only fly 1-1.5 mph, like a slow-moving zombie. Surely I am faster than that? Even me, Slo Jo? I’m going to claim these are NOLA bites and not neighborhood bites then. Because seriously, I was hauling for at least half a mile there. Could totally outrun a zombie--at least for a short distance.

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