Toe-Shoes Tina: Unbalanced

Distance:  0.0
Pace:  0.0

I didn't run.  So why am I writing?  To tell you about my running-focused sports massage.  My body hates me, specifically my hips.  My right leg is plagued by a tight IT band, which causes knee pain from time to time (although that pain has been ameliorated considerably by switching to neutral shoes and a mid-foot stride).   My left leg bestows unrelenting sciatic pain on me when I sit for more than 20 minutes at a time.  My trainer, Pinch Your Butt (pinching your butt is evidently the way to ensure correct form on everything, except being arrested) not only holds his bachelors degree and several certificates for training, but is a licensed massage therapist as well.  He also hears me complain three days per week about which parts of me hurt and what activities cause the pain.  Wanting to stay injury-free now that my long runs are well into the double digits, I scheduled a 90 minute massage session with him.

(Shakira's hips don't lie.  Mine don't like me.)

PYB told me he recently learned a new massage technique.  I told him that the last massage I got (at a fancy spa) included the massage therapist lying his head on my head and that if PYB tried any such thing I would punch him.  He assured me his new technique was called neurokinetic therapy and did not involve placing his head on mine, though might hurt a little.  Because I participate more actively in this type of massage, I wore spandex running shorts and a sports bra to avoid uncomfortable flashing situations.  We began by him testing my muscle strength by having me flex my leg in various directions from different starting positions as he applied resistance with his hand.  Doing this, he could tell where I had strength imbalances.  He then did trigger point work to release tight muscles.  Then we re-tested my muscle strength.  Lather-rinse-repeat.

It was not a relaxing massage and it did hurt when he was working the tightness out of various muscles.  Oh, did you know how many leg muscles there are?  I didn't.  I got quadriceps, hamstrings, and calf muscles, but those are the easy ones.  There are all kinds of little muscles that hurt like a bitch when you "release" them:  TFL, psoas, some little muscle on the front of my shin that I still don't know the name of.  The psoas, by they way, is an a-hole of IT band proportions.  PYB pressed into the side of my abs right above my hip and pain just radiated through me.  Amazed, he said "I can feel each individual insertion point."  I thought that meant I was ripped.  PYB corrected me, telling me it is not a good thing.  Rather, it means the psoas is just too tight, which means it is pulling too hard on other parts of me and creating imbalance.  Dammit.

(All of these little muscles can cause pain and bad running form.  Yay!)  

But it was amazing how quickly the technique worked.  PYB would do the testing and then dig in to some poor little muscle that I previously didn't know existed.  And it would hurt.  And I would scream.  And then hold my breath.  And PYB would tell me to breathe.  And then he'd work the muscle until I couldn't feel pain anymore, often I even felt a warm flush through the muscle.  After that, he could dig right into the same muscle in the same spot that caused me to scream minutes earlier and it wouldn't even hurt.  Evidently once that happened, my re-test showed significant improvement on my strength imbalances.  PYB did this for quite a while on each leg, then finished each leg by stabbing me repeatedly, I mean, working my IT bands.  Oh how I hate my IT bands.  PYB informed me they are full of adhesions, all of which make them hurt more when touched, let alone massaged.  (You can read more about IT band adhesions here.)  Inspired by Slo Jo's plan to have hers surgically removed, I asked PYB if I really need my IT bands or if I could have them taken out.   He insisted I needed them, so I asked for what.  He said to hold my kneecap in place.  I began to wonder whether I need kneecaps.  Really, what do they do?  My IT band massage was ugly. I whined, screamed, cursed . . . if I'd been in possession of state secrets, I would have revealed them to make it stop.  Somebody should tell the CIA this may be more effective than waterboarding.

("If you do not tell us what we want to know, Mr. Bond, we will massage your IT bands.")

After spending over an hour on my legs (something you won't get from a cookie-cutter spa massage), PYB was kind enough to finish with a little back and shoulder work that was more relaxing than painful.  I left feeling much looser in my leg muscles.  PYB said I might see some changes (improvements) in my stride.  We will see how tomorrow's speed work goes, and -- more importantly -- this weekend's 15 miles.  Eep.