Slo Jo: Running from the Portapot

Distance: 14.0 miles
Pace: Achingly slow 13-minute miles with a couple of 12s in there for no reason at all
Knee pain: Flaring
Wine consumed: Some good stuff at dinner party. I recall it was red.
Weight: WAY DOWN! WOOT!

Flash and I tried to run on Sunday. We met at Granada Park to run on the canal. Phoenix had a three-day rainstorm which was really, really wonderful, but I was worried the bridle path would be too muddy for a long run. It was sprinkling a little when we started, but about .7 into our planned 14-mile run, it began raining a lot harder. We turned around and went back to the cars, feeling lame. We agreed to meet at 4pm on Monday to knock out the long run.

BUT, Flash forgot she had tickets for Monday and canceled! So I had to do the long run by myself. I sucked it up and went on Monday morning instead.

First Mile: Starting off slowly. Warming up. Slow slow slow. I am bored and lonely. And oh no--I have to pee.

I try to focus on my audio book, The Watchman. One of the main characters, Joe Pike, is a runner, but I suspect because Pike is painted as this super mega athlete, almost like a cartoon character, that he probably runs a little faster than me. I am exactly nothing like this Pike person; he's the strong, silent type. I'm more of a not very strong, talker-type. Especially when there is someone to talk to. Unlike today.

Second Mile: I wonder how scary it would be to use that unattended Port-a-Potty. I read this wonderful book by Justin Cronin, The Passage, and there is a scene (wait, maybe it was the second in the trilogy) where vampires are lurking in a similar container and it becomes a freaking slaughter. (Sorry if that was a spoiler. I tried to be vague about the container.) In any event, I'm afraid to use the Port-a-Potty because what if there is a scary person inside?

Third Mile: I convince the guys at Central Market to let me use the employee bathroom. They look like they are going to say no, but I look sufficiently pathetic that they let me.

(Please don't make me pee my pants.)

Fourth Mile: I decide to turn around at Dunlap, because last time I did the extra half uphill to Hatcher, there was a dead chihuahua on the side of the road. What if the poor thing is still there? I can't take it. Maybe the dead body was moved into that Port-a-Potty. OMG. So I run down the canal to 7th Street and back instead to get an extra mile in. There are some old people running with live chihuahuas, and they are hustling. They are awesome.

Fifth and Sixth Miles: Joe Pike does amazing stuff. Man. I bet he's not scared of the Port-a-Pot.

Seventh Mile: My nemesis Knee Pain decides to join me for the run. Crap crap crap. Knee Pain announces his arrival by driving a nail into my knee cap and then punching me in the quads. Gah. I make little crying noises because I'm running by myself and I can. Whimper whimper whimper. But I do not stop.

Eighth, Ninth, and Tenth Miles: Joe Pike does not have knee pain. His knees are Super Knees.

Eleventh Mile: I try an experiment and run faster and try to land more on my forefoot rather than heel. I think when I go super slow for the long runs, I end up running heel to toe. Running faster actually feels better, to my surprise, and I run my fastest mile of the 14.

Twelfth Mile: Knee Pain says, "You think you are free of me?" Then he turns into Tonya Harding and whacks me in the knee some more.

(Nancy, watch your back!)

Thirteenth Mile: I keep going. The book ends. I won't ruin it for you, but I was saying stuff to myself like, "Oh, COME ON." So I didn't love it. I put on some music, and that powers me through. I continue to make audible whimpers, but keep going.

Fourteenth Mile: I finish at Bethany Home and only have 13.95 on my watch, so I make myself run back and forth in front of my car until it creeps up to 14. Otherwise, the sports watch will say I ran 13 miles, and I want credit for every step! I take my sweaty self home, drink an Evolve, and walk like I'm 100 the rest of the day. I have chafing in terrible places. But I made it, and I didn't get taken out by anything lurking in the Port-a-Potty. That's a good run.