Distance: 0
Pain pills popped: LOTS
Whimpering noises: Many
I know you were looking forward to your race report. Did someone try to swim over me in the pool? Did I yank that jerk's goggles off, per race plan? How did the transition go? What was the ride like? What were our times? Would we do it again?
Well, let's back up a bit.
On Thursday, I did my final training ride on the bike--spent about an hour. I decided Friday and Saturday would be rest days so that my legs would feel strong for the race. TST and I were coordinating how to get to the race, which had an insanely early start. We considered whether she should just stay over at my house, which is closer to the race, and whether than meant that we would sabotage our efforts by drinking a ton of wine together per usual. I also planned to head over to the triathlon store on Friday afternoon to figure out what the hell I was going to wear, as the tri suit I had ordered online was really not going to be suitable for me to wear in public. Not if I planned to exit with any self-esteem, anyway.
In other words, we were mentally ready.
On Friday morning, I took a shower and was getting dressed. I reached into my closet to grab the skirt for the suit I needed to wear (yes, on a Friday), and something horrible happened. My back went into spasm.
I know "indescribable" is a sucky adjective, but holy moly, the pain. Indescribable.
I stood rigid for a while hoping it would subside, then decided I had better go into the living room and get my phone in case I needed help. But the phone was on the couch, and I couldn't bend to get it. I somehow managed, after much puzzling over how this was going to happen, and then thought I'd try lying on my back on the floor.
This did not help. Instead I was in a lot of pain on my back on the floor in my underwear, but at least I had my phone. I googled back spasm. Google said ice and advil. Well, that would require me to get off the floor. I discovered that there was no way to get off the floor, and I was now stuck on the floor. In my underwear. I was reminded of that Sex in the City episode where Miranda wrenches her back getting out of the shower and Carrie has to come rescue her naked friend. I really, really did not want to be Miranda right now.
Some time passed. I got a good, long look at the ceiling of my house.
I finally determined that I had to get up and get some pain reliever and ice. I managed to get onto my side and push up a little, then grab onto the ottoman and get upright. This hurt. Got the ice. Started texting friends for advice, including my friend H (who would have been the one to get the Carrie call, as she lives in my neighborhood, has a key to my house, and wouldn't care if I was in my underwear). At this point I was really almost crying from the pain, because the spasms kept coming.
A doctor friend kindly called me in response to my texts for help and told me basically to take all the drugs I had. I complied. Vicodin? Check. Muscle relaxant? Check. What else is in here? Xanax? I like Xanax too. Check. The only thing separating me from Heath Ledger at this point was the lack of Benadryl in my system.
Despite my drug cocktail, my back continued to hurt. I wanted to attend a special ceremony for a friend, so another friend picked me up and I went, but I may have been a little high during this ceremony. Pretty sure that I was reacting three seconds behind everyone else. Then I went home and slept and slept and slept.
Now, due to triathlon training psychosis, I was still thinking maybe I could do it. But on Saturday, the pain was still QUITE present and robust, so I texted with TST and said I probably needed to drop out, but I could crew her. She was kind enough not to insist that the bad back lady stand around for three hours while she did a triathlon, and she decided, given some work pressures and deadlines, that it made sense for her to skip this one, too. What a relief that she didn't mind--I didn't want to miss the race, but I didn't want to let my friend down, either.
We're signing up for something else. First, I'm going to get a spine transplant, and then we'll be ready!
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